I didn't sign up for this...but I'm not going anywhere.

Something that you never understand until you have to do it...raise a child with any kind of special needs. Whether it's from birth or something that develops later on, this is no cake walk. I have no doubt that some things are harder than others. The term special needs encompasses a multitude of needs. Physical, emotional, mental...all of these are draining for a parent.

No one prepared me for feeling helpless. I thought I was blessed and lucky because I gave birth to 3 "normal" children. No one told me that could change. I don't love my kid any less, anyone who thinks I do can kiss my ass. It's a sucker punch to the gut that my child that was most loving as an infant and toddler is the one that has turned into a kid I barely recognize.

Every week I tote him to therapy, we work on trying to find methods to keep his "good brain" present and his "bad brain" under control. This is not easy. As a matter of fact it's really freaking hard. It's emotionally draining and sometimes I would love nothing more than to bury my head in the sand and let someone else deal with it...but I don't. I can't. I feel fiercely protective of this kid, more so of him than his siblings at the moment, but I'm working on that.

It's a hard pill to swallow, and it would be easier if we weren't living it up military style with my husband gone. My family helps, but no one else really understands. When I look at this kid I see a reflection of myself, but I didn't go through this until my teen years. I think of how hard life is going to be on him as he grows...if it's already this hard now, what is he facing in the future? I buried my head in the sand when my drs first told me 10 years ago that I have this same problem. It was easier then. I don't have that option now. I can't pretend everything is peachy. I have to face his demons...and mine too, for setting a good example is the only way. Denying my demons would be the same as denying his, and it can't happen. It won't happen.

My husband didn't sign up for this. Last night I gave him the option to walk. There's a lot of hard times coming, probably harder than anything we have faced together. I calmly pointed this out, all the while hoping he couldn't tell that I was dying inside from fear that he would take the out I offered him. A lesser man would have jumped at the chance to run. Casey calmly responded to my offer. He told me, "We have already made it through so much. When I looked at you in your room at your mom's house before I married you and told you I'm not going anywhere, I meant it. For better or worse, I'm here. I am not going to leave you."

It isnt every day you find a man brave (or maybe crazy) enough to take on you, your kids from another man, and your crazy ass family. It's even more rare to find a man who gladly takes the role of father to said kids and tolerates attacks from said family. In almost 4 years of being together we have had more things hurled at us than your average couple. Yet here we are, still together, still in love, and still holding on tight through all the storms. How did I get so lucky? To me, this is proof that God does answer prayers after all.

So little man, maybe one day you will read this, and I hope that things are easier for you then. Just always know your dad and I are here for you. For better, for worse, forever.

Wack-a-doodle is the new sane.

Today I came across the following paragraph and I thought to myself, "Self...I could be best friends with this guy. He has a valid point." I think similar things to this every day.

"Okay, I'm just gonna say it out loud. There are times when going crazy looks attractive. And I'm not talking about becoming charmingly eccentric. I've already got that covered nine ways to Sunday. No, I'm talking about purposely emigrating to the land of lunacy. That special psychological zip code where The Ancient Laws of Behave Yourself no longer apply. My "reasoning" is simple. It takes a great deal of effort to sustain a conservative, trustworthy persona. Surrendering that effort would involve, from a Freudian perspective, a conscious dismantling of the super ego - that part of the psyche entrusted with enforcing parental and socially approved actions. And therein lies the allure of going full frontal wack-a-doodle. The constant energy required to pass as normal would suddenly become available for doing and saying whatever pleases me in the moment. Imagine it. The id and libido completely unbound by any and all moral or cultural restrictions. Hmm... Probably won't need the shrink anymore... might need a lawyer."

Thank you Chuck Lorre. However, I would never eliminate my need for a shrink. He's my best friend...literally. I didn't even get billed an hourly rate when he came over to put my elliptical together for me. I think that's a win.

ohhhh shit...the bitch is back

Holy shit balls. Did you miss me? No? Then quit reading. If you did however, read on. It's been an eventful 3 months. I dont even know where to start. We could start with the big ugly C word, and no I don't mean cunt, but cancer talk is depressing and I'd rather move on to bigger and better things. These doctors are trying to turn me into Frankenstein. I think I would make a pretty fuckin hot frankenstein though. Also kudos to my thyroid for trying to kill me (and I know some of you hope it succeeds and you're going to helllllllll for that one), but I've lost 35 lbs now and damn do I look hot.

I know, conceited much? No, just confident. Thus the reason I let my friend talk me into buying this amazing bikini.

Anyway there are so many topics I could ramble on and on about, but I need to sit back and sort them out before I go off on a tangent. And for those of you hater freaks who like to leave nasty comments, they are being screened and I will never see them. ;) Sucks to know you're wasting your time huh?

You know what amuses me? People who like to twist things for their own retarded ass benefit. Pardon me for not being politically correct but i find it is highly overrated. Don't like what someone has to say? Don't fucking read the shit. Seriously, there is a little red ex on the top right of the screen, click it. Im not just referring to you douche nuggets that leave bullshit stuff on my page either.

Something else that annoys me, is that men and women that are fighting for your right to be a complete dick don't even have freedom of speech on their own fucking blogs or anything. And that's without the fuckin govt involved, just friends and family. What is wrong with you people? let your son, daughter, brother, sister, whatever in the hell they are to you express how they feel. beats the shit out of shooting something (or someone) that they shouldn't right?

All you e-thugs out there that think you're hot shit...you're nothing but a pathetic piece of garbage. Real life bullies too. Get some self esteem and stop picking on people you think aren't as good as you. No one is perfect. Do you know how many suicides result from bullying each year? Probably not because you can't remove your head from your ass long enough to see the pain you put someone through. it isnt just them that suffer either. it's their friends and families too. So think before you open your hateful mouth. What you say could just be the straw that breaks the camels back. Do you want that on your conscience?

On a lighter note, here's your food for thought today:
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes...
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.