I didn't sign up for this...but I'm not going anywhere.

Something that you never understand until you have to do it...raise a child with any kind of special needs. Whether it's from birth or something that develops later on, this is no cake walk. I have no doubt that some things are harder than others. The term special needs encompasses a multitude of needs. Physical, emotional, mental...all of these are draining for a parent.

No one prepared me for feeling helpless. I thought I was blessed and lucky because I gave birth to 3 "normal" children. No one told me that could change. I don't love my kid any less, anyone who thinks I do can kiss my ass. It's a sucker punch to the gut that my child that was most loving as an infant and toddler is the one that has turned into a kid I barely recognize.

Every week I tote him to therapy, we work on trying to find methods to keep his "good brain" present and his "bad brain" under control. This is not easy. As a matter of fact it's really freaking hard. It's emotionally draining and sometimes I would love nothing more than to bury my head in the sand and let someone else deal with it...but I don't. I can't. I feel fiercely protective of this kid, more so of him than his siblings at the moment, but I'm working on that.

It's a hard pill to swallow, and it would be easier if we weren't living it up military style with my husband gone. My family helps, but no one else really understands. When I look at this kid I see a reflection of myself, but I didn't go through this until my teen years. I think of how hard life is going to be on him as he grows...if it's already this hard now, what is he facing in the future? I buried my head in the sand when my drs first told me 10 years ago that I have this same problem. It was easier then. I don't have that option now. I can't pretend everything is peachy. I have to face his demons...and mine too, for setting a good example is the only way. Denying my demons would be the same as denying his, and it can't happen. It won't happen.

My husband didn't sign up for this. Last night I gave him the option to walk. There's a lot of hard times coming, probably harder than anything we have faced together. I calmly pointed this out, all the while hoping he couldn't tell that I was dying inside from fear that he would take the out I offered him. A lesser man would have jumped at the chance to run. Casey calmly responded to my offer. He told me, "We have already made it through so much. When I looked at you in your room at your mom's house before I married you and told you I'm not going anywhere, I meant it. For better or worse, I'm here. I am not going to leave you."

It isnt every day you find a man brave (or maybe crazy) enough to take on you, your kids from another man, and your crazy ass family. It's even more rare to find a man who gladly takes the role of father to said kids and tolerates attacks from said family. In almost 4 years of being together we have had more things hurled at us than your average couple. Yet here we are, still together, still in love, and still holding on tight through all the storms. How did I get so lucky? To me, this is proof that God does answer prayers after all.

So little man, maybe one day you will read this, and I hope that things are easier for you then. Just always know your dad and I are here for you. For better, for worse, forever.