Hammer time.

This is actually probably going to be a semi-serious blog. I took my butt to church on sunday for the first time in a while. I realized I've missed it. Our preacher has been around for a really long time and he's a genuinely good guy and good preacher. Sunday's sermon made a point I've been trying to make for months. The moral: Just because you sit your rear in church on sundays, just because you make donations to this church fund and that, and just because you say a 30 second generic hallmark prayer over your meals every day doesn't mean you're being a christian.

I make no claim to be living my life in a perfectly christian way, but for those of you who are, and I'm sure you know who you are, why don't you take a step back and look at yourselves. For the record, the only person that stands between you and all heaven has to offer you is...you. Not your family, not your friends. Just you. As a parent, you raise your kids, and you let them go forth into the world and make their own way. You instill morals and values in them, and then you have to step back. You can't make all their decisions for them, and you certainly can't accuse them of standing between you and the pearly gates.

As a friend, your job is to be there for your friends and tell them about the joys of God, but refrain from cramming it down their throats every time they turn around if they choose not to believe. You can't force or bully anyone into being a christian. Stop trying. Just because you THINK someone you know doesn't know how great God is, doesn't make that true. You have no way of knowing what someone else's relationship with God is unless they tell you that they don't believe or don't know about God.

The only person that has room to pass judgement is...you guessed it...GOD! Good job. Give yourself a pat on the back. That's pure awesomeness right there. You don't get to decide who goes to heaven and who goes to hell. You don't get to choose which marriages stay together and which get torn apart, and you certainly have no room to TRY and tear one apart. That's regardless of how christian you are or what your relationship with the person is. Don't try and ruin someone else's life just because it doesn't fit into your cookie cutter mold for the perfect marriage, especially if you've been married more than once yourself. You know divorce is a sinful thing right? Right. Good talk.

That's my rant for today. If you want to rave about what a good christian you are, then try acting like it all the time, not just when it's convenient for you. Hypocrisy is not endearing.

If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it might be a chicken playing dress up.

Is that a boob? Maybe a penis...

Today I have been married to my schexy husband for a whopping two years and 8 months. We also still like each other! Yay us! Maybe he'll get lucky and I'll flash him my vagina on webcam later....look mom! There's another hole punch in my ticket to hell! Yay me! OK, Im not really going to flash him my do-lolly as he likes to call it. I'll keep that in my pants and wait for him to come home before he gets to see it again. I know, I'm mean. Whatever, hopefully this isnt fresh news to you.

My lava lamp is trying to sprout either a penis or a tit. I can't figure out which. The lava at the top hardened a little droopy last night, so it kind of looks like either a tiny little penis or a rather large nipple. Either way, it is definitely interesting. I wonder if I could turn that in as a study on anatomy....hmmmmm....Possible, very possible.

Insomnia has ahold of me yet again tonight, go fuckin figure. At least you silly little shits are getting good reading material out of it from me. Well, some of you think it's good, others think its garbage. I think I'm fucking amazing and if you dont like it you can suck my non-existent left nut. I'll grow one special for ya! =)

I started reading that book "The Help" tonight. So far so good. It sucked me in and the one maid, Minny, really reminds me of...well, me. Because she just doesn't give a shit if she offends someone or not! How refreshing in a world full of ass licking douche nuggets. If you are one of said ass licking douche nuggets, well, at least clean it with a wet wipe before you toss that salad. Don't be nasty about it.

I really need to sleep now because odds are Jessalyn and I will begin our epic battle over my bed in about 2 hours as usual. Moving that munchkin to a toddler bed was a horrible choice! Unlike Jon at her age, she actually realizes she can climg out of it. Damn the luck!

Anywho, here's your advice for the night:
A person is only as big as the things that make them angry. This is why I don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things...except my husband of course.

I'm back bitches!

So after two blissful weeks with my husband, I am now back in the blogging world. Two weeks of sleeping next to my husband, waking up next to him, and of course, having crazy sex with said husband. Jealous? You should be. He's a sexy mother fucker. Literally, seeing as how I have popped out children and all that good shit. OMG, there I go being vulgar and shit. Ask me my dear if I give a damn!

It's absolutely no secret that Case and I hit some serious rocks on the river of marital bliss...but for those of you who were rooting for us to not make it...well...I hate to disappoint you...oh, wait, no I don't! Ha. Fuck your couch. Not only are we staying together, but we are stronger than we were before. Dont like it? Tough shit. I'm pretty sure you will get over it eventually. That goes for anyone. Friends, family (on either side), stranger danger...you lose.

I had to take him back to the airport today so he can go finish playing G.I. Joe half a world away. We played our usual airport game and it was nothing less than abso-fucking-lutely stellar. It's the "guess what kind of underwear people are wearing" game, and we kind of rock at it. We get detailed with this shit, and pretty sure there was at least one chastity belt running around there today. Simply Amazing.

I know people joke about the "fashion police" a lot but seriously, they need to fucking exist. Women, regardless of your size, no one wants to have to stare at your ass crack hanging out of your fucking pants. Also, muffin tops are so last year. I only say this because I care...ok I'm lying again. I say it because it looks like shit. Men, seriously...what the fuck is up with men having mountain man beards and walking around in fucking hawaiian print button down t-shirts with what appears to be indiana jones hats on? I mean really? Give me a fucking break. Ditch the hat, buy a razor, burn the shirt. That is all.

Insomnia is kicking my ass again, surprise surprise. Oh well, my creativity hits me most when Im delirious from lack of sleepy time. My eyes are starting to droop though, so I think it's time for me to give my sheets some ass and my pillow some head. Have a fabulously fantastic friday y'all!

Something you should never say to your wife when she is in labor: "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

Run and tell THAT!

So recently I was informed that my blog language is nothing less than absolutely vulgar. Actually it was more like Casey was informed because God forbid someone actually come to ME about a problem they have with ME! Madness! What do you people think I’m going to do? Suck out your soul with a hot pink swirly straw? It’s possible. But for real yo, I don’t know how many times I have to say this…but I. Do. Not. Give. A. Flying. Blue. Monkey. Shit. What. You. Think. Run and tell that, homeboy. If I need to dumb it down and give it to you in layman’s terms, I can try. However, I am not fluent in stupid so don’t get butthurt when I can’t make you understand. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, hide ya husbands too cause I’m offending everybody in here.

So to be absolutely vulgar (I hate to disappoint!) I know I informed y’all about my red sex shoes. These shoes are AMAZING (now read that again and imagine the halleluiah music playing in the background for the word amazing). If you’re on my facebook, odds are you have seen the pictures. Not naked pictures though. God forbid. I know I would be going to hell for sure for that one. Of course I’ve already been condemned for having my own opinions and not taking shit from stupid people. Lawd have mercy! People forget this isn’t the fucking fantastic fifties anymore!

Back to the sex shoes. They are definitely erection inspiring. Just ask casey. I thought he was gonna lose it when I put them on and showed them to him. Yeah, I went there. Oops. Sorry I’m not sorry! Talking about my sex shoes is for cousin Jamie- the best bad influence I’ve ever had! Ha. Seriously though, Jamie was my savior in Virginia. If it wasn’t for her, I would have probably lost my mind and my temper on more than one occasion. I know a couple of you Virginia people read this blog and like to use it to stir shit up. Only thing I have to say to you is…well…get over it. It’s time to cut the bullshit and grow the fuck up. I don’t go around trying to stir shit up for you and obsess over your life.

I know I am a pretty interesting fucking person. Have to be with the size of the fan club I have that likes to keep track of me. ;) Sorry I’m not sorry that I’m so fucking awesome and interesting! Anyway, I should be writing my final exam papers so I guess I’ll get back to that. You may now return to your regularly scheduled life.

Words of wisdom for the day:
Real good Christian people don’t judge. They don’t try to destroy other people’s lives, and they don’t pick and choose which rules of the bible to live by. Hypocrisy won’t do you much good when you get to the pearly gates. Sitting in church every Sunday does not guarantee you a spot in heaven, you have to actually live like a Christian Monday through Saturday as well.