I visited your grave today. I know the only thing there is your body and your soul is somewhere else, but I always feel like you are right there when I go. No matter how much time passes I don't see the hurt ever healing. There are so many regrets there. So many things we both should have done to stay closer. I also know thinking about the what ifs is like rocking in a rocking chair...it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.
I dusted away the leaves that were piling up on your headstone and the wreaths and decorations that are there. I know it doesn't do much good since they will blow right back over but it made me feel better at the time. I made something to add to the collection today too.
I heard a song that makes me think of you. Barely in your 50s, you left too soon. I listen to it and it makes me sad, but then i remember that at least you aren't in pain anymore. Knowing that doesn't heal my hurt but it takes the edge off the pain when I think about it.
You always called me Angel, and now you are mine. I know you have been looking out for me since you left us two years ago. This is my song for you:
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
It's been a long year...
A year ago yesterday started off like any normal day. We tried to treat it as any normal day even though there was a dark cloud hanging over it. I did my best to busy myself and not watch the clock tick away the seconds until my mother would call. Today would be the day we got the news. I prayed and prayed for good news and hoped that everything would turn out alright.
I remember clearly when my phone finally rang. I was driving on post (though I cannot for the life of me remember why now, probably taking food to some MPs or something), I answered and was greeted by my mother, sister, and grandmother on a conference call. This couldn't be good. I ignored the no cell phone use on post rule. This call was worth a $75 ticket.
What my mother had to say shocked me to my core. You never think it can happen to you or people you love. It happens to strangers, it happens to acquaintances. The grocer, the pharmacist, the guy down the street. My bubble world I lived in shattered that day.
The words were simple, yet scary. "I got my results today. I have cancer." My mother. Mine. Not someone else's, but mine. The "good" news was there was only a 10% chance it would kill her. That's how the doctor put it. She would have to have a complete thydroidectomy and radiation treatment to be sure it hadn't spread. I held it together fairly well for the phone call but as soon as I hung up I burst into tears. Cancer is scary, regardless of the chance of survival.
Regardless of what some other people may think, I was my mother's rock through it all. The day she went into surgery i sat by her side until they took her away cracking jokes and being highly inappropriate. I wouldn't let her see my smile falter despite the fact that I was shaking with terror inside. They were slitting her throat for the surgery. How could I not be terrified? I held myself together until they wheeled her away and that's when I lost it.
I cried and cried. I paced, I worried, I walked into the men's bathroom because I was so distracted. I cracked jokes to my mimi and step father. I pestered the nurses. When my mom finally came into recovery then was taken to the room where we could see her, I sat by her side, not wanting to leave at all in case she woke up and I missed it.
When she did wake up and start moving around we could tell she felt better when she threw a brush and a bed pan at steve for making her laugh. I poked fun of her Frankenstein scar and still do to this day. It's our reminder that we made it through the dark time together. I stuck by her side and visited her daily in the hospital (for the whole 3 days she was there and even spent one night with her during which time 3 polar bears froze to death and the penguins migrated to south america).
I did it because I wanted to. Not because I felt some obligation to her. I did what I did for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I knew my mother would not go through this alone because I knew I would be there no matter what. I wish some other people had realized that and not made choices that put my mother through hell again later. You know who you are, if you even read this.
It's been a year and mom and I have both been to hell in back, in different ways and in similar ones and we are still going strong.
I remember clearly when my phone finally rang. I was driving on post (though I cannot for the life of me remember why now, probably taking food to some MPs or something), I answered and was greeted by my mother, sister, and grandmother on a conference call. This couldn't be good. I ignored the no cell phone use on post rule. This call was worth a $75 ticket.
What my mother had to say shocked me to my core. You never think it can happen to you or people you love. It happens to strangers, it happens to acquaintances. The grocer, the pharmacist, the guy down the street. My bubble world I lived in shattered that day.
The words were simple, yet scary. "I got my results today. I have cancer." My mother. Mine. Not someone else's, but mine. The "good" news was there was only a 10% chance it would kill her. That's how the doctor put it. She would have to have a complete thydroidectomy and radiation treatment to be sure it hadn't spread. I held it together fairly well for the phone call but as soon as I hung up I burst into tears. Cancer is scary, regardless of the chance of survival.
Regardless of what some other people may think, I was my mother's rock through it all. The day she went into surgery i sat by her side until they took her away cracking jokes and being highly inappropriate. I wouldn't let her see my smile falter despite the fact that I was shaking with terror inside. They were slitting her throat for the surgery. How could I not be terrified? I held myself together until they wheeled her away and that's when I lost it.
I cried and cried. I paced, I worried, I walked into the men's bathroom because I was so distracted. I cracked jokes to my mimi and step father. I pestered the nurses. When my mom finally came into recovery then was taken to the room where we could see her, I sat by her side, not wanting to leave at all in case she woke up and I missed it.
When she did wake up and start moving around we could tell she felt better when she threw a brush and a bed pan at steve for making her laugh. I poked fun of her Frankenstein scar and still do to this day. It's our reminder that we made it through the dark time together. I stuck by her side and visited her daily in the hospital (for the whole 3 days she was there and even spent one night with her during which time 3 polar bears froze to death and the penguins migrated to south america).
I did it because I wanted to. Not because I felt some obligation to her. I did what I did for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. I knew my mother would not go through this alone because I knew I would be there no matter what. I wish some other people had realized that and not made choices that put my mother through hell again later. You know who you are, if you even read this.
It's been a year and mom and I have both been to hell in back, in different ways and in similar ones and we are still going strong.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Moms the word.
Sometimes I see peoples statuses online about their moms, or hear them complain about them in person. It always makes me glad that my mom is my mom. I got pretty lucky as far as moms go. Sure, she made her mistakes raising me, but every mother does. I can share anything with her, I can go to her with any problem and I know she will always be there to help me any way she can.
We may fight, and the bitch may steal my clothes from time to time, but I fucking love her. She has never turned her back on me and never would. Even though the kids and I drive her batty sometimes living here with her she is (usually) never really mean or anything like that. She is going through the change though, so she has a tendency to be a little moody. Even on her worst day though, she's still not that bad.
She makes up for the fact that I grew up calling a complete douche "dad". He recently tried to come back into our lives again but true to his usual form, he disappeared before he even physically came around. Goodbye and good riddance!
I am a part of a very large and diverse family. Many names, many bloodlines, all brought together by love. I consider my first father in law, mother in law, and sister in law to still be my family. Jacob's father and his wife are a part of our family as well. Birthday parties for all of our kids are always interesting! It takes a village to raise a child, and we have a pretty good village here. My children and I are surrounded by love and support here. We have a good church family that truly cares as well.
For once in my life, I'm glad to call this place home.
We may fight, and the bitch may steal my clothes from time to time, but I fucking love her. She has never turned her back on me and never would. Even though the kids and I drive her batty sometimes living here with her she is (usually) never really mean or anything like that. She is going through the change though, so she has a tendency to be a little moody. Even on her worst day though, she's still not that bad.
She makes up for the fact that I grew up calling a complete douche "dad". He recently tried to come back into our lives again but true to his usual form, he disappeared before he even physically came around. Goodbye and good riddance!
I am a part of a very large and diverse family. Many names, many bloodlines, all brought together by love. I consider my first father in law, mother in law, and sister in law to still be my family. Jacob's father and his wife are a part of our family as well. Birthday parties for all of our kids are always interesting! It takes a village to raise a child, and we have a pretty good village here. My children and I are surrounded by love and support here. We have a good church family that truly cares as well.
For once in my life, I'm glad to call this place home.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
I'm more of a sinner than a saint.
Aren't we all? It happens. I had to go for a bridal fitting to order my dress for whit and jd's wedding tonight. 9 of us went to the Dallas area to get tuxes and dresses then go have dinner together. There were some highly inappropriate jokes made (are you surprised? No? I didn't think you would be) and a lot of laughs had. Even though we had a lot of fun, there was still an underlying sadness there for me.
Some days are harder than others. I miss him more. I can be surrounded by people and still feel so completely alone. Tonight was like that. All day really. The next several months wont go by fast enough for me. I had plenty of snarky and witty things to say for this blog, but once I sat down, sentimental seemed to suit better tonight. For now anyway, I make no promises as to what the next few paragraphs will hold.
Last night is another night I wish that Case had been home. It was time to bathe the dog. For those of you who don't know, I have a great dane. She isn't even full grown yet. I decided to bathe her in the bath tub but she had other plans for me. One paw was all it took, down came my shower curtain rod, which hit the towel holder and knocked it down, which bounced over into the shower and knocked all my soap and shampoos over. The best part of it all? My dog gets the runs when she's nervous...she shat on my foot. Nothing major, just a little bit. I started to smell something funky and I looked down and saw the stuff on my ankle and was like "WTF?" And then it dawned on me...bitch shit, on my foot. ON. MY. FOOT.
Some of you may read this and laugh because you think I deserve it. I laughed when it happened and I still giggle when I think about it now. Laugh away, that's the intention I had when I decided to share this story. I guess I couldn't stick to sentimental. I have no acid tinged barbs to hurl in this blog. No one has really pissed me off lately, I let stupid people and their ignorant acts roll off my back a lot better now. If you had any idea what I went through this summer, you would know why I decided to let go of everything that happened between May and August.
My best memories of this summer were made with Jamie in Virginia. Sure I've had fun since then, but she was my saving grace for a month of it. I don't know what I would have done without all those nights on the deck with the captain and jose. I miss her, James and the kids like crazy and I wish circumstances were different, but I was needed here in Texas. Life threw me a curve ball but I still managed to smack it out of the park. Im making it just fine, contrary to what some might think. Life will be perfect as soon as he is back home with me.
Your advice for the day:
The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.
Some days are harder than others. I miss him more. I can be surrounded by people and still feel so completely alone. Tonight was like that. All day really. The next several months wont go by fast enough for me. I had plenty of snarky and witty things to say for this blog, but once I sat down, sentimental seemed to suit better tonight. For now anyway, I make no promises as to what the next few paragraphs will hold.
Last night is another night I wish that Case had been home. It was time to bathe the dog. For those of you who don't know, I have a great dane. She isn't even full grown yet. I decided to bathe her in the bath tub but she had other plans for me. One paw was all it took, down came my shower curtain rod, which hit the towel holder and knocked it down, which bounced over into the shower and knocked all my soap and shampoos over. The best part of it all? My dog gets the runs when she's nervous...she shat on my foot. Nothing major, just a little bit. I started to smell something funky and I looked down and saw the stuff on my ankle and was like "WTF?" And then it dawned on me...bitch shit, on my foot. ON. MY. FOOT.
Some of you may read this and laugh because you think I deserve it. I laughed when it happened and I still giggle when I think about it now. Laugh away, that's the intention I had when I decided to share this story. I guess I couldn't stick to sentimental. I have no acid tinged barbs to hurl in this blog. No one has really pissed me off lately, I let stupid people and their ignorant acts roll off my back a lot better now. If you had any idea what I went through this summer, you would know why I decided to let go of everything that happened between May and August.
My best memories of this summer were made with Jamie in Virginia. Sure I've had fun since then, but she was my saving grace for a month of it. I don't know what I would have done without all those nights on the deck with the captain and jose. I miss her, James and the kids like crazy and I wish circumstances were different, but I was needed here in Texas. Life threw me a curve ball but I still managed to smack it out of the park. Im making it just fine, contrary to what some might think. Life will be perfect as soon as he is back home with me.
Your advice for the day:
The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.
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