I promised an update, so here it is. After a night and day of cat and mouse, or human and spider, whichever you wanna call it, I won. I was getting up to look for my phone charger that I apparently hid from myself and saw something in my livingroom floor next to my mirror. "That looks like a spider" I thought to myself...I crept up on it, flip flop in hand...and the mother fucker jumped. Right into the mirror, where it then had no escape. SMACK! He's dead, I win, and I didn't even have to break out the dish soap this time. Stick that in your juicebox and suck it.
Have I mentioned how much I fucking despise spiders? I swear to God, the first morning I wake up with one in bed, or crawl into bed with one of these bitches at night, I am moving. I. Am. Fucking. Moving. That is how serious this shit is to me. Fuck these creepy little eight legged bastards. "But they eat the bugs, and they keep other bugs out of the house." Yeah? So does raid, asshole. "Trap it and put it outside"...fuck your couch.
Who in their RIGHT fucking mind is going to chase down a spider only a little smaller than a tarantula that moves faster than a fucking jungle cat to trap it and put it back outside, where it will inevitably make its way BACK inside. Then you have to do the whole wash, rinse, repeat. I'm not a repeat kind of girl. Wash and rinse. Smash and trash. Hasta la bye bye mother fucker, let your demise serve as a lesson to your brothers in arms.
Another day has come and gone, so I'm another day closer to having my husband back. He wouldn't be of any service in the spider department though. He will literally scream like a woman and run like hell from a spider, even if the spider runs from him first. You want comedy? Watch my 210lb husband (who is very built, not fat) run and jump on a chair to get away from a spider. He sends our 5 year old in to kill them for him. Big brave man huh? Fight the bad guys? No problem. Kill a spider? No fucking way. I love him anyway. Tough guys have to be scared of something, right? Right.
Now I think I will take my leave. I still have a lot of homework to make my way through. I'm getting there though, slowly but surely. Here's a pearl of wisdom for you to contemplate as you lie in wait for my next blog as I did with the spider...
Whoever says words can't hurt you has obviously never been smacked in the face with a dictionary.
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