I was texting with our nanny Kristina this morning about her trip to Austin. Apparently Victoria's Secret has messed some shit up for her and she needed to make some exchanges that can only be done in Austin. For those of you who don't know, Kristina JUST got her license and she wont even drive on the highway in Killeen (not that I blame her) so there is no way in hell she is going to drive to Austin. She hitches rides with whoever is going.
So we're talking about all that this morning as she is on her way and she tells me she is so not thrilled about having to make this trip at all because she had to take time off from work, plus its just an annoyance that the VS people can't get their shit together. She makes the comment to me that "I'm not enthused about today in any way due to making a trip to Austin so my boobs better look fucking fabulous in this bikini." All I could do is giggle. If you knew what Kristina looked like, you'd know why.
She doesn't need help making her big bouncy chesticles look fabulous. Most people are worried about their husband trying to sleep with the baby sitter. With our family, it's the opposite. Plus, she's sexually deprived for our freedom so I just might have a shot. ; ) Just kidding! or am I? The world may never know.
I really think that Victoria's Secret needs a new name. After all, with the cutout bras that flash your nips, crotchless panties, thongs, sheer material...what's really secret about anything? You put on some of that shit and everyone is gonna know what flavor your kool-aid is. Bikinis are nothing more than glorified underwear, so you would think that if it's VS brand, it's gonna be flashing everything. not entirely true, I bought a VS bikini last year and some of my secrets stayed secret.
Now if you're one of those people that have afros down under, you might not want to purchase one of these bikinis. or any bikini at all, unless you wanna wax it or shave. No one wants to see your fro peeing out the side of your bikini bottoms. This is also why men shouldn't wear speedos. If you're bushy from your chest hair to your ball fro, no one really wants to see all that mess. Also, consider investing in a roll of quarters, because everyone knows that cold water makes it play hide and seek. If you see girls pointing your way and giggling, 9 times out of 10 they are not impressed with what they see. They are laughing at the lack of things to see.
Also, to all you chunky dunkers in bikinis, Kudos to you for not letting society wreck your image of yourself! You have more balls than I would. However, just because they make it in your size does not mean you should wear it. If you've seen the movie norbit you will totally get what i'm about to say. if not, you should watch said movie. No one wants to be a rasputia. For real y'all. If you can't tell you're wearing bottoms, you should not be wearing a bikini. And this is not the rambling of a skinny bitch either. My pants hit the double digits and there is plenty of junk in this trunk. I'm saying this as a fellow chunky chick...either skip the ho hos or skip the bikini. That is all. You may return to your regularly scheduled life.
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