What I learned in 2010

1. Never trust a gnome. They are dirty and lie a lot. They are also completely useless creatures.

2. When driving cross country just you and your same sex soulmate, sleep when you can. Otherwise you will wind up hopped up on energy drinks and when it is your turn to drive, at night no less, you will see very strange things.

3. When you see the grim reaper chasing his dog across the road, it's time to pull over and get some sleep, before you meet him for real.

4. Flying chinchilla bird squirrels eat peanuts.

5. Don't use expired eggs to bake cupcakes unless you feel like experiencing them a second time.

6. When waxing your own eyebrows for the first time always remember: don't apply the wax unless you're sure it's straight, and never wax the same spot twice trying to get the hairs you missed.

7. In the event that your mom has to have surgery, be careful of cracking jokes as she will request random objects to be thrown at you. Behave yourself, and you get to be the one throwing them.

8. If you must spend the night in the hospital with your mother, first check to see if she is experiencing the change... If she is, buy warm socks and an electric blanket. Also don't forget to sweep the dead penguins and polar bears out of the room in the morning.

9. If your husband starts to snore, gently shake him. If he doesn't stop, kicking him will normally get the job done.

10. Keep a bag of twizzlers in your car at all times. If someone rides your ass, use them as ammo. Make sure you lick them first though, it helps them stick.

11. If you find random ants in your bathtub, don't assume it's a fluke, rinse them out and get in anyway. Odds are, they are coming in through the overflow drain. They will attack you, possibly bite you on the ass, and prove to be a real annoyance.

12. You cannot drown ants. Nor can you just flush them out of the drain with water. You will need raid and duct tape. Spray the raid, tape off the drain, enjoy your bath. Repeat as needed.

13. Do not call or text your mom while drunk in another state and try to convince her that you are high. She will smack you for it when she sees you again.

14. Real pimps have food fights in their hotel room.

15. In Texas, even the homeless cart pushers are not safe from the popo. Dallas police will pull you and your cart over as quick as they will if you're in a car. So, a word to the wise, don't hop in that buggie and speed.

16. Exes are exes for a reason, it is not a good idea to try and be friends with them. It most likely will not end well.

17. A twizzard is what you get when wizards and twizzlers have a baby. Also, a horse and a bat make a borse, or a hat, whichever you prefer to call it.

18. And finally, I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was, and I have my mother and Mimi to thank for that. I will always keep my head up, no matter what the world throws at me. That's how we roll, yo. Word.