I started writing a book two years ago about my life. I figured that I could change the names and put it all out there. Life was a mess. A hot mess on a bad day. I've changed computers so many times in the past couple years that I didn't know where the hell my book was. I so did not want to start over, even though i only wrote 4 pages. That's alot for a lazy fuck like me! I figure it'll be done sometime in 2015. Maybe. Anyway, I know I already mentioned that my best friend Kati is more random and off the wall than I am, so here is an excerpt from my book to prove it. Everything that is in here is a real conversation and written almost word for word. Enjoy.
“So if he starts paying child support again, then he will be even more broke. So you know what she will be driving? A moped. Not even a cool one, more like one from 1995 that is painted 3 different colors. I bet it doesn’t even have real wheels, just donuts. It’ll have a little bell or an air horn because they cant afford one with a real horn. Its gonna be messed up. Maybe she can get one with an umbrella holder, so then she can pretend she’s cruising along in a convertible, you know? It’ll go 15, maybe 20mph on a good day. Do you know what im gonna do? Im going to break her kickstand so when she goes to park her bike, BAM, its going to fall flat on the ground and she’ll sit down and cry. What would be even better is if she is cruising down the highway and one of her donuts pop and she falls and gets hit by a bus. Make that a short bus, that’s even better, but it wont kill her, that wouldn't be funny.”
I think Kati has a slight sadistic streak. I’m laughing so hard at all this that I cant even respond. I knew she would come up with something good, but this really exceeds expectations.
“Just imagining her driving on her moped cracks me up. She pisses me off. I just want to slap her. Im buying a moped that puts hers to shame and I’m going to run over her. After I run her over I’ll ask her where’d you get yours, the 99 cent store? I bet I could get a motorized wheelchair and run her over with it.”
“You’re stupid Kati. Seriously. Doesn’t grandma have a motorized wheel chair?”
“Yeah and that bitch goes fast. And it has a seatbelt. Its pretty sweet.”
“I had to tell you all this. I knew you would come up with something super funny to say. You never disappoint me in that area.”
“I bet her expedition is a piece of shit that she bought off a hooker in the ghetto. It’s gonna be funny they do it in the back seat and get herpes or some other STD. Ew, I bet it’s just nasty. Especially if it looks anything like that house he lived in.”
You’ve got to love Kati's creative side. When this girl gets on a roll, there is little to do to stop her, and at this point, I don’t even want to try.
“Oh! I bet a roach crawls across her head while she’s driving. WAIT! Can she even see over the steering wheel? Is she even tall enough? She seriously needs to get slapped. Do you ever watch Kat Williams?”
“No, I cant say that I do”
“He’s a comedian on comedy central—“
Now its my turn to interrupt her for a change. “I know who he is.”
“Well I’m going to go up to her and ask her what the 5 fingers said to the face. And when she’s all like, ‘what?’, I’m going to just slap her. And then she can jump in her herpes mobile and run away crying like the little baby she is.”
It always both amuses me, and makes me sad to remember how horrible things were between "my side" and "their side" for the longest time after we divorced. Sometimes I feel kind of guilty for the things Kati and I have said when we were pissed off, but then I realize, who the fuck really cares? This is honest and real. This is how we dealt with things, and obviously how we still do. I never have and probably never will be a person that handles situations the "appropriate way" and really, why should I? Where is the fucking fun in that shit?
this. is. EPIC :)
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